Becoming Ethan

i'm mostly on LJ now:

http://ethanfender.livejournal.com

i heart vox, but i use it for other reasons now..

the people i've been "talking" to online are telling me to tell her. that i've been decieving her and everything, because i asked her to marry me without telling her what's going on in my head. how can i tell her when i don't fully know myself?

i suppose my biggest problem right now is knowing. this is so new to me, and i feel like this is so new to our society. what does "gender" mean? i feel like ME. i don't feel like a classical or stereotypical girl OR boy. so what am i? and if i do transition and become a boy, what if i'm in the same boat? what if i just feel like ME, not a stereotypical boy. how do i determine which gender is more prevalent in my brain? do i make a list of all my qualities and then divide them into two columns? is it just something you "feel"? i remember when i realized i might be gay. i couldn't explain it to someone. it's just something you realize about yourself. and then with further thinking, you realize it was there all along. which brings me to several memories from being a kid. i was pretty genderless until i hit puberty. then i started stealing my dad's tighty whiteys from the drying rack in the basement and wearing them to school. if i timed it correctly, i could wear them before my mom knew they were gone from the clean laundry, and then i could get them into their dirty laundry before she realized they weren't there the day before. i would also borrow his shirts, but that was a blatant theft. he always knew i was borrowing them, and it usually wasn't a big deal. they were his nice comfy ones he wouldn't be wearing to work anyways. through all this i had my pretend crushes on boys, and my constant bullying of girls. i guess i've come far since realizing i am gay. my thinking has come full circle. maybe i like girls because i'm straight, and i was supposed to be born a boy. maybe it doesn't have anything to do with butch and femme. 

but i just can't. sometimes the thoughtsjust cannot leave my head.

i don't know if i feel more like a boy or more like a girl. and i'm going ot ask her to marry me soon. i owe it to her to finally be honest. and i'm fucking scared.

i've started this blog  because i am thinking about transitioning into a boy. i don't know if i feel more like a boy or more like a girl. each day is different. but if i had to make a choice, i feel more like a boy. i just feel like me.

i guess i'll start by describing myself.

i'm 5'5". i weigh almost 200 lbs. i think my weight gain has a lot to do with not feeling comfortable in my own skin. i have blue eyes. my hair used to be really short, and cut into a fauxhawk. now it's growing out, kind of short and shaggy. i'm trying to get it a bit longer.

i am very strong. i have my dad's muscles, even without working out. but the fat on my body hides a lot of it. my breasts are pretty big. i don't like them at all. they feel like these weird fake bags on my chest. i stare at other boys' chests in longing. sometimes after i shower, i flatten and push each boob to the side and put my arm in front of it, pushing it down more. i can see what i would look like with a boy's chest. then i get sad and reach for my bra.

i try not to shave my armpits for a long time, but because it's summertime, i end up shaving them eventually. i'm not anti-shave. i like to shave my legs and pits occasionally.

i do work out, but it's sporadic. i don't think it's enough to make an impact on my body, but it does make an impact on my mind. i tend to be a better person to myself and others on the days i work out.

i grew up playing sports. soccer, karate, track, softball, t-ball. as an adult, biking, hiking, camping, running, softball, kayaking, surfing. i was always an athlete. always in shape, always moving and playing.

i was always interested in gender, even if i didn't always have the language to describe that interest. i love movies like "Victor/Victoria", "Cabaret", "Rent" (play was better!). Movies where women did things that men classically did. "Girlfight", "Gone in 60 Seconds", "Blue Crush" (ok, i'm reaching with that one!). I just like watching people do things or behave in a way that is contrary to their specified gender roles. i love seeing people at Pride or the bars whose gender is unrecognizable. their strength and bravery is something i admire.

i grew up in an emotionless house. my father was my best friend until i started puberty. then we absolutely hated each other. this lasted for years. we didn't heal until i moved away. once he saw me as an adult, it was easier. and hard enough to believe, i think he felt closer to me when i came out as gay. i asked him once if he was disappointed in us, that maybe he wanted a son instead of two girls. he, of course, said no. that he loved us and never wanted a specific gender. whatever came out was good enough. i think he would have liked to have a son. maybe someday he'll have one.

i guess i'll sign off for now. this blog will be open to the public, but i'm not going ot share it with any of my family or friends (including my g/f) until i'm ready. thanks for reading.